The Complete Person: A Guide to Approaching the Alpha Female
"The Dominatrix, attractive and mysterious, seduces and subverts the wills of men, weakening them and placing them in Her thrall to cater to Her slightest whim. Her motives are inscrutable, seemingly arbitrary: She wants what She wants because She wants it, and pursues it without mitigation or apology. Her power is mysterious and subversive: She conquers men not by meeting them in contest where they are strong, but where they are weak. Her tools are subtle: insinuation, manipulation, and undermining the strength of Her targets. She takes pleasure in Her games: making men into weak, humiliated puppets for Her gratification."
This archetypal description of the Dominatrix becomes instantly problematic for any true Alpha Female as well as any genuinely hopeful beta would-be love interest when She finds Herself becoming the screen upon which the above ideal is projected.
There is an abundance of Cosmo style write ups on the Alpha Female, and almost every one of them draw heavily on the archetype of the Dominatrix. These articles measure a woman by her sexual availability almost exclusively, and are nothing like the same articles which exist on the Alpha Male. Should you desire to read anything of the sort on the Alpha Female in society, you will first have to search Google Scholar, and then you will find papers available for a fee. These are dense works of exhaustive research on which others will base their work and are tools for all intents and purposes. These are real articles and are worth their weight in actual currency. They exist, but are not easily accessible to the general public.
Not all Dommes are Alphas, and not all Alphas are Dommes. I am both a Dominant and an Alpha and so feel qualified to delve into this quandary in this article. In the real world, I can assert Myself without being in a scene, without wearing a corset, without pulling Domme rank of any kind because I have spent My entire lifetime cultivating My personal power and becoming a whole, complete, independent, self-reliant person. As well, it comes somewhat naturally to Me but I still face the "Alpha Female" challenges of being disliked by other females, being called a ball-busting bitch by certain men and generally misunderstood when it comes to making the hard choices which only leaders and teachers can understand. There are many ways to develop Alpha traits, and for Me it was through pursuing a career over finding a job. I became specialized, skilled and sought after enough in My chosen field to know as much as anyone can that I had achieved financial independence for the rest of My life. This is no small feat for an Artist, let Me tell you. Along the way, I heard again and again others use words like "leader" and "alpha" to describe My personality, even before I could comprehend their true significance. Eventually these words took on an almost derogatory connotation in My world and it was a long time before I accepted let alone embraced them in all areas of My life, before I understood and then loved what it meant to be One.
I have compiled a number of typical traits attributed to Alpha Females, all of which are ones I have come across countless times in vast numbers of Men's, Women's, News and Entertainment magazines. I will break down the typical Alpha Female myth and reveal My truth as an ever evolving being with Dominant and Alpha traits, and I hope that Dommes and submissives, Alphas and betas and omegas alike find it helpful and validating.
An alpha female is used to men and women chasing her, so her expectations are higher than most women's. This type of woman is used to men going crazy for her, and you will stand out more if you can keep your cool.
Alpha Femininity Exclusively = Bechdel Test Failed. (SAD FACE) The described Woman's 'power' is defined exclusively by Her relationships. The reason this is the huge problem that it is, is because this is NOT how we would characterize an alpha male.
The life of a person in the Alpha position is fairly complete and they don't need you to complete them. THIS IS A GOOD ASSUMPTION TO GO ON WHEN APPROACHING ANYONE, and perhaps one of the few presumptions that won't make an "ass" of anyone. When you are with an Alpha, you get to be your best, you get to focus on building (solo and together) rather than saving, rescuing or performing emotional or financial triage. Don't approach a woman and assume they need you and that you are going to be offering her a completeness she would lack without you. They've gotten along quite fine all this time without you. Why do we do this at all? Well, we do this because as people (individuals) we tend to value our own experiences above all others. We will have to consciously fight that intuition in every way/form because in this case it is WRONG and will only infuriate your beloved and elusive Alpha.
The alpha woman always has several men/women (INTERESTED PARTIES) on the go and likes to keep her options open.
The Alpha Woman decided what Her relationship priorities looked like LONG before your paths crossed. She may have several relationships on the go. She may have One. She may have None. She may have more than She wants, She may have less than She wants. Some of these relationships will be a balance of sexual, emotional and practical more or less according to Her preferences on that mix. Much as you should never think that someone is waiting for another to complete them, you should never think that you will change these priorities and preferences. How they do and do not line up with your own preferences is NOT HER responsibility: She does not have to meet you half way, She does not have to become what you want, She does not have to want what you have to offer. WANTING SOMEONE DOES NOT MAKE THEM LESS OF A PERSON. THE PERSON YOU WANT IS NO LESS A PERSON THAN YOU, AND WANTING THEM DOES NOT CHANGE THAT. YOUR EXPRESSED DESIRE IMPARTS NO OBLIGATIONS. I will tell you what She most likely does want from you: TO JUST LET HER BE HERSELF. THAT'S ALL SHE MAY EVER ASK OF YOU. (See link)
The alpha female is a busy woman, or wants you to think so. She likes to have you at her beck and call and wants you to work around her schedule.
To this I say: Remember that EVERY point of contact is a demand for time and attention, even if only to read it. Reading your emails, answering your messages, responding to your texts, tweets, comments, likes and other posts will most likely not happen in Her 'down time'. Her 'down time' is a precious commodity reserved for replenishing and rejuvenating Her resources. Just because She exhibits the discipline to actually make and keep time to Herself (Oh, yes, Alphas enjoy their own company and will fight for their much desired alone time) doesn't mean She is lounging all day long. Even if She has an army of minions to take care of everything, can you imagine the scheduling, coordinating and delegating to even make this happen? There are no 'free' lunches, especially for Alpha Females.
If she always insists on going Dutch, she might be pulling one of her fancy alpha tricks. Why? Because if you never treat her, she'll never owe you anything. Make Her something (a picnic, family home made item) that she will find difficult or impolite to refuse.
FUCK YOU MAN. If you buy dinner, what exactly does an Alpha OR ANYONE IN THAT POSITION owe you? DINNER. Now, if you want to exchange this owing of dinner or other unsolicited gift for owing of anything else... TOUGH FUCKING SHIT. If you think you have the ability to negotiate this dinner into anything else, then by all means negotiate it. That means saying it out loud, negotiating, and being open to the very real possibility of being justifiably shut down. If you're not willing to negotiate out loud, buying dinner = owing dinner, and nothing you have in your head changes that. The expectation of an unnegotiated exchange, in which dinner buys you affection, attention or sexual access is part of a pattern of thinking commonly referred to as `rape culture`*. When you build these exchanges in your mind undisclosed to the other party, you are creating justifications for completely negating the preferences and decision making powers of the person for whom you feel lust. At that point, a form of rape has already happened and nothing you say after the fact changes the fact that you have erased someone`s person hood. Agreements are only agreements when everyone agrees. Notice that women are not granted social permission to create these contracts for one and when they do, the social sanction is much harsher for them (ie: that crazy bitch) than the `boys will be boys`approval that men enjoy.
* Or call it 'MAGICAL RAPE THINKING' if that makes it easier to swallow.
The presumed inequality of power in these situations forces the woman to accept the man`s interpretation of what happened and how acceptable it is. For example: Arnold Schwartzeneggor was notorious for molesting the women he encountered in professional contexts, including crew on films he worked on and journalists interviewing him. His explanation for this behaviour which included lifting women`s tops over their heads and grabbing both breasts, was that he was just fooling around or that he was just kidding. Bear in mind the many ways in which he was intimidating; one of the most physically powerful men on the planet, who is also extremely wealthy and incredibly well-connected, politically, socially and economically. Schwartzeneggor weilded tremendous amounts of every kind of power society says a man should aspire to. There are not many men who can lift a small car off the ground, buy several blocks of LA on a whim, and have dinner with 2 US presidents on the same day. When such a man states that his behavior was "only joking", you and all parties present are expected to take his word. This is an extreme example and there are certainly many different circumstances in which lines get crossed, however it is statistically indesputable that men are on average more economically and politically empowered than their female counterparts. This is an unfortunate legacy of a history we've yet to outgrow, in which upperbody muscle mass roughly dictated personal power. Go ahead and think of gorillas, because we are NOT that far away from that. We are close enough to that to still be living under its statistical shadow.
She continuously asks you for favors and you are eager to do them for her. Sound familiar? The alpha female is used to having men pursue her and give in to her every whim.
Mutuality. It has to go both ways, if She's expecting certain things from you She has to negotiate that as well. These favors do not go into a bank that you get to cash out for something you desire from Her. If at any point you feel taken advantage of, the responsible thing to do is to communicate that or to leave.
If she constantly talks down to you and makes rude or mocking remarks, you need to defend your honor and fight back with equally witty comments. You never know what the alpha female might say, so you always have to be "on" and ready for verbal combat.
Historically, honor has been a concept that has been applied to the landed nobility of warlike fuedal culture to keep the gentry from killing off the peasants when they get bored. IE : you're allowed to kill some, but not too many. You can kill them in some pretty awful ways, but there are limits. (If too many die, who will grow the food?)
Defending your honor sounds an awful lot like a pissed off child defending a school yard brawl. There is plenty of room for honor in modern life, BUT NOT THE KIND OF HONOR THAT NEEDS DEFENDING. This is just so sadly typical of the advice handed out to those who would like to be with an Alpha Female. "Don't even bother - too much work/stress/conflict and not enough blow jobs," is sadly the subtext of this kind of advice. This discourages those who deep down would like to pursue a relationship with the Woman they are most attracted to before they even have a chance to try, and it blatantly attempts to use reverse psychology, reframing and bad hypnosis on Women to get them to overcompensate in an effort to disprove this ugly "truth".
So go ahead and have your wonderfully warped power exchange fantasy, by all means neccessary, but remember these insights when you meet an Alpha Female who you suddenly find yourself wanting to talk to as much as you want to jerk off to.